WHEN YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH
After Primary 1, my academic fortunes changed dramatically especially after I changed schools. I became the best, I felt like a genius, I would watch cartoons of Jimmy Neutron, Mr. Fantastic in Fantastic 4 and I was so sure I was like them, a genius.
I started reading up on science and math, and it showed from that point till the end of primary school. Then I got into secondary school, my fortunes changed dramatically again, only this time for the worse, I wasn’t the best anymore. My grades kept dropping, and it seemed like I couldn’t compete, all of a sudden I wasn’t as smart as I thought.
My parents didn’t take this well, as all of a sudden, their academic golden boy had fallen, and almost simultaneously, my sister started succeeding, winning awards, at larger stages than I ever had. Everyone compared me to her, and it felt like no matter how hard I tried I could never reach it. I had fallen out of favor with my parents and I was so sure that if I was the best again, only if I could win awards like my sister, they would love me as much as they loved her.
So when SS1 came, I worked more than I have ever worked before, I knew my books off my head, I read everyday, became hyper competitive. I knew that if I just studied hard enough and was the best my parents would finally love me again, they would love me like they loved my sister, and I would finally make them proud again.
When our first term result was released, I was beyond ecstatic; I had gotten A1 parallel, a feat I’m not sure my sister had achieved. I was so happy, I took my result home, my dad came home and I personally was so excited to tell him my result.
My sister went first and he congratulated her, then my sister went “Ibukun got A1 Parallel”, I expected my dad to hug me, to tell me he was proud of me, I had finally done it, I was the best, then he replied with a cold “ok” then continued walking. My sister said again “Ibukun got A1 parallel” in case he missed it the first time and he gave a disinterested shrug, almost as if to say “yes and?” I was heartbroken, torn to shreds, not even being the best was enough to get this man’s love.
It was not enough, I gave my all and it still wasn’t good enough, every award, every victory I ever earned afterwards felt almost empty. Because I didn’t learn a lesson I should have a long time ago: that love can never be earned, being enough for someone is never dependent on you but that person.
In the second to the last episode of Lucifer, the serial killer made a statement when telling Lucifer about feeling insecure about whether he was deserving of Ella, that it was not up to him to decide if he deserved or not, it was up to her.
This applies to all relationships, and In Nigeria, a lot of parents have conditioned their children to believe that their love is conditional, that you are indebted to them not realizing it’s the other way round.
This reflects in our academic situation in this country, we have inefficient teachers and lecturers who when students fail, rather than fault the teacher’s inability to educate, we instantly assume it must be the student’s fault.
This is further reflected in how we treat failure, especially multiple failures, when dealing with failure, there would be times you would fail over and over again, and in those times, rather than look for an actual solution, because we have been conditioned to believe that we’re the problem, we assume we’re failures and give up.
And it further shows in how we treat national problems of poverty in Nigeria. The average Nigerian thinks people are poor because of some failed mentality or because they didn’t work hard enough and not because there are structural problems that are in place to keep people poor.
That’s why we see quotes like “the difference between a poor and a rich person is …” no idiot, the difference is a faulty national structure put in place by incompetent leaders. The fact that we think and teach that ordinary people can save the country from poverty will constantly hinder us from finding actual solutions. When you have more than 40 percent living in poverty, the solution is not a positive mindset, its better governance.
The same thing is seen in people in abusive relationships, there is a tendency to believe when your partner is being abusive that you can somehow fix them, or if you loved them harder, then they’d love you back, if you gave them more attention they wouldn’t cheat, it’s not just true. You can’t earn someone’s love, you either have it or you don’t.
When facing multiple failures, when you keep giving it your best and you keep failing, when it seems like you’re not enough, I know there is a temptation to fall into despair, to believe that the only reason you keep failing is because you’re a failure, but you mustn’t, you mustn’t succumb to despair. Rather keep checking, keep looking back and find an actual solution to your problem.
